The hell hole that is Birmingham city centre would not have been my first choice as a place to meet up with my mum for the first time since coming out the TG closet. Thankfully I had my dear friend L with me. L is my companion going the opposite direction and I hers and we meet in the middle – well sort of.
It was always going to be an awkward moment but in the end all went well. Slips in pronouns did not matter even we who are TG make them all too easily. So we had an enjoyable day strolling around the German Christmas Market – it was almost possible to forget it was Birmingham. Sadly it is almost exactly halfway between me and mum – seriously one of us has to move so that changes. However finding little treasures was possible for the two ladies who love their shopping – and being a gentlemen I did not bugger off for a coffee, maybe I should have but hey someone has to carry the bags.
Lunch was Italian; we are very metro in our taste here. Italian food, German smells yes Birmingham was conveniently forgotten in a glass of wine, a piece of crunchy calamari and crazy company.
A special thank you to my two special ladies – love you both
© JG Farmer 2013
As a solitary witch I have never had a real problem balancing my transition with my beliefs. That does not mean I have not asked myself deep questions of faith regarding my gender identity. I believe the Divine is masculine, feminine and all things in between and as all life is of the Divine thus life itself is that way.
However it has not always been that easy as I used to be very feminist in my attitude and only align with goddesses and negating the role of the gods and also of men in humanity. I now realise that anger and hatred towards anything male was my own denial mechanism against my true gender identity. In effect I was hiding behind a subconscious screen because I was not ready to face the reality, not that one can ever be fully ready for such a huge change in life.
In the process of my spiritual journey I started letting the gods be more prominent in my working and in doing so I have given myself permission to be. In the ancient days the Celts referred to the mystical and spiritual as those who walked between two worlds and I believe that is part of Druidry (not wholly sure on that). While I was identifying as genderqueer in a sense I was doing that, and taking advantage of that neutral space to find myself.
As I have said before I do not know where my transition will end. What I do know is I am more balanced in myself and secure in my own identity than I ever have been. Being an FtM can be lonely as there are so few of us, but I think the more those of us who are open share our experiences the more who are in some sort of denial will find the courage to come out.
A big turning point for me was realising family relationships do not change simply because they cannot change. I will still be a mother to my sons and a daughter to my mother whether I get a dick or not. That realization lifted so much guilt from my shoulders it is incredible. I still get moments when I think ‘Oh my god I have killed her’ but they are few and far between and not laden with that ‘g’word. I do not want those relationships to change – I do not want them to feel that loss, of course I don’t.
Once again I am grateful to all of you who send messages of support, it is truly appreciated.
Love and light
Thank you Rita Kowats of Spirituality Without Borders (http://spiritualitywithoutborders.wordpress.com/) for nominating me for this award. I am honoured to accept it for myself and all transgender people who may not have a voice for whatever reason. It is for them I write this blog as my first year in transition I felt so alone and it really is not the case, there are others out there. Rita’s blog has helped me accept the changes happening in my life on a spiritual level and for that I am truly grateful.
I am not sure I am going to make 15 nominees as I do not want to fall back on the blogs I read as Jem, not because they are not fantastic blogs, they most certainly are, but I am unsure some of them would want to be linked to this page so for the first time in my life I am playing safe. So my nominees for the Versatile Blogger Award are:
The Musings of a Lesbian Writer
The Adventures of a Transman
It Is What It Is
Black and Write
and finally, I know this guy does not accept awards but his wonderful blog is going on the list anyway A Mixed Bag
Seven things about me:
- I am transgender
- I enjoy fishing
- My favourite sport is rugby and I support Wales
- I am a witch
- My favourite colour is blue
- I play the guitar
- I don’t drive
© JG Farmer 2013