As a solitary witch I have never had a real problem balancing my transition with my beliefs. That does not mean I have not asked myself deep questions of faith regarding my gender identity. I believe the Divine is masculine, feminine and all things in between and as all life is of the Divine thus life itself is that way.
However it has not always been that easy as I used to be very feminist in my attitude and only align with goddesses and negating the role of the gods and also of men in humanity. I now realise that anger and hatred towards anything male was my own denial mechanism against my true gender identity. In effect I was hiding behind a subconscious screen because I was not ready to face the reality, not that one can ever be fully ready for such a huge change in life.
In the process of my spiritual journey I started letting the gods be more prominent in my working and in doing so I have given myself permission to be. In the ancient days the Celts referred to the mystical and spiritual as those who walked between two worlds and I believe that is part of Druidry (not wholly sure on that). While I was identifying as genderqueer in a sense I was doing that, and taking advantage of that neutral space to find myself.
As I have said before I do not know where my transition will end. What I do know is I am more balanced in myself and secure in my own identity than I ever have been. Being an FtM can be lonely as there are so few of us, but I think the more those of us who are open share our experiences the more who are in some sort of denial will find the courage to come out.
A big turning point for me was realising family relationships do not change simply because they cannot change. I will still be a mother to my sons and a daughter to my mother whether I get a dick or not. That realization lifted so much guilt from my shoulders it is incredible. I still get moments when I think ‘Oh my god I have killed her’ but they are few and far between and not laden with that ‘g’word. I do not want those relationships to change – I do not want them to feel that loss, of course I don’t.
Once again I am grateful to all of you who send messages of support, it is truly appreciated.
Love and light