We Are Not Alone

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I am often asked why I am so open about my transition, would it not be easier to go stealth.

I don’t know whether it would be easier as I haven’t done it that way. Maybe it would, but it doesn’t matter now.

For years I felt alone, isolated and afraid. It’s hard to envisage life’s potential when you believe there is nobody out there who understands your viewpoint. Through reading Chaz Bono’s story I realised there was at least another guy out there. His life was and is very different to mine but for one thing. Chaz was born in a female body just like I was.

Finding out there is another doesn’t solve much but it does bring hope. Hope that I had never dared dream of. As I am a writer I realised I could share my story through my own writing. Maybe it would reach out to someone else who needed hope. In fact I know it has from the messages I receive and that is an awesome feeling.

It is also for that reason I let a journalist into my life. I knew what it meant as I do a similar job writing other people’s lives. Not only is it inviting someone into your life it is inviting their scrutiny and some very invasive questioning. Not something I relished the idea of if I am honest, who would?

On Wednesday the article appeared in the local newspaper and already there is wonderful support from those I knew would stand behind and beside me. There was one message that truly made it worthwhile from a young trans guy who had been feeling like I did – alone, isolated and afraid. He reached out to me in email on the strength of that article.

That is why I do this so openly, so others may know they are not alone. I could say job done and drift into life, but I am not even considering doing that.

 

http://www.swindonadvertiser.co.uk/leisure/family/11721096.I_looked_in_the_mirror_and_wondered_who_that_person_was____it_was_change_or_die/

 

Love and light

Jez

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A Milestone

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I came out of the GIC knowing within a few weeks I would be using testosterone. I have waited years for this; to say I was elated is a mild understatement. I didn’t notice the pouring rain or the chaos of Christmas shoppers in the city centre. All I could sense was relief, a real closure on the past confusion of identity and not belonging I have known all my life,

A little over a week later the letter arrived to inform me the prescription was with my doctor and the next day I sat and stared at the tubes of gel. I was alone and able to think without influence. That is how I wanted that moment to be. I needed to know it was ultimately my decision made without interference from doctors, psychologists, family or friends whose support I am so deeply grateful for. I never doubted what decision I would make but yes, I did need it to be mine and mine alone.

So here was the moment I had longed for too long. No grandiose fanfare – just me in my room with Slash rocking his stuff on the radio. Outside a grey dismal December morning was hardly enchanting or mystical. Within five minutes the first major milestone in gender transition was done and the gel was drying on the skin of my thighs.

Now it is another waiting game as my body does what it needs to do with the hormones although it already is doing some of it anyway. The goatee is set in place and since I did the Movember thing I have the beginnings of a moustache. My voice is annoyingly androgynous as it has been for years but I rarely get misgendered even on the phone.

At this point the only changes I can report are a deep sense of peace and a new morning routine that allows for the application of gel every day and half an hour in sat on my bed while it dries reading a book, well I have said for a while I need to read more. The biggest thing is the very real finality of the female identity I struggled to maintain in the past.

I don’t hate who I was but I do despise the society and dogma that forced the real me into hiding and a life of fear. No human being should feel they have to live in fear; no human being should feel they have no way out. Granted the world is changing and becoming a more accepting one but we are not there yet. I didn’t think I would be around to see the changes that are now happening so anything is possible.

On Leela Alcorn and the Stigmatization of Sexual Identity

The Zephyr Lounge

“Please don’t be sad, it’s for the better. The live I would’ve lived isn’t worth living in… because I’m transgender… I feel like a girl trapped in a boy’s body, and I’ve felt that way ever since I was 4… When I was 14, I learned what transgender meant and cried of happiness… I immediately told my mom, and she reacted extremely negatively, telling me that it was a phase, that I would never truly be a girl, that God doesn’t make mistakes, that I am wrong… My mom started taking me to a therapist, but would only take me to christian therapists, (who were all very biased) so I never actually got the therapy I needed to cure me of my depression. I only got more [C]hristians telling me that I was selfish and wrong and that I should look to God for help…  Although the reaction from my friends was…

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