Hill-top Thinking

Glastonbury: View from the Tor towards Wales

Glastonbury: View from the Tor towards Wales

 

Last weekend for the first time since climbing Cader Idris I climbed. Not a great huge mountain this time but a hill. There is something about me and peaks, or being up above ground level but still within nature. A multi-storey building just wouldn’t cut the mustard.

These are places my thoughts become clear and I can see within myself with a clarity that is almost glass-like. On top of Cader Idris I knew I had to make the step into transition, it all fell into place. There was no doubt and no fear just certainty. Things had to change for me to exist.

Over recent months self-doubt and fear have been eating me – almost exclusively fuelled by the actions of one person. A person I believed with all my heart I could trust. I was so very wrong.

This is where I can be a completely blind fool and not see what is going on, and indeed it took someone else to say something for me to see it.  I had been allowing this person to break down my self-confidence in turn putting long answered questions back into my mind without their accompanying answers.

This intrusion into self could not have come at a worse time as my formal transition was coming to key stages with referrals for surgeries and therapies I need for physical change. With all that is happening and changing in my life this is a situation I did not need now, not ever. In fact I do not know of anyone who needs people who give out so much negativity they drain your natural energies to the point of extinction.

This weekend was the final close of that door. Stood on top of Glastonbury Tor I felt my own energies surge back into me just as they had on Cader Idris. Okay I invited that surge by facing my spiritual homeland of Wales and calling on that power. This may seem like hocus pocus to some people but like in any belief system faith is a divine force all of its own.

I came down that hill with Chloe with all doubts gone and all fears soothed. I have had no flashbacks or panic attacks since and I feel my confidence returning rapidly. For some people activating the calming self needs stillness and meditation but I need a hill or mountain, and one with a deep Celtic history at that.

Other things happened that day in Glastonbury which are not for these pages as they are part of my spiritual path. However this is my chance to say a huge and heartfelt thank you to Chloe and her wife, Peggy, for a wonderful day and the awesome support they give me on my journey. Also to Penney and Ella. I may have lost a so-called friend but I have gained four awesome sisters who I love dearly.

 

 

© JG Farmer 2014

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A Prom Queen’s Smile

It has been a while since I have written here, dysphoria and depression took over for most of it, so I didn’t feel as if I had anything much to say. That has been dealt with or is being dealt with. I know what, for most of it, was the root problem and I have done what I need for that to stop happening. I have good friends who I can trust to keep me on that path too.

Simple little things can make a whole world of difference. That is something I have learned in the last few weeks.

This month saw the Silver Anniversary of STGG. This is the transgender support group I coordinate. It is the group that has given me confidence in myself and my abilities and I am proud to be a part of.

To celebrate our anniversary we had a Prom theme. I know the ladies like to dress up and get glam so the opportunity to really go for it was there. Of course, it is traditional to choose a Prom Queen.

Now I see my role within the group as helping others to be what or who they want to be. The transgender journey is a tough one, I know that for myself. But nothing could have prepared me for the reaction of C when I asked her if she would be Prom Queen. That smile not just on her lips but in her eyes will stay with me for a very long time indeed.

C always appears very feminine and elegant, very much a lady and a classy one at that. Don’t get me wrong, all the ladies take a great deal of care over how they look and dress, which as a trans guy who loathed all that fuss I suppose I shouldn’t understand, but I do.

Over the last couple of weeks different people have pointed out how male I am becoming, in a few cases they did not read me as trans at all. I think I now know why that smile in C’s eyes came about as I know how fantastic it can feel. C is a beautiful lady and if something as simple as that can make her feel the million bucks then it’s a pure pleasure for me to have done that. If my words made C’s night, her smile made mine.

 

Photo Used with Permission of C

Photo Used with Permission of C

 

Photo used with permission.