Steam-ager

The Boy Poet

What’s one present you’ve always wanted?

Flying_Scotsman_in_Doncaster

This one is easy to answer – a train set. Not just any train set but a Hornby one with the train engine being a miniature of the glorious Flying Scotsman.

I am not old enough to remember the age of steam trains but they fascinate and intrigue me even now. It is not just that steam trains are a symbol of masculinity that I used to hold on to the inner boy, but I admit that I did do that.

In no small degree there is the romance of trains like the Orient Express travelling across Europe, or the trains in the Himalayas pushing their way through the old colonial age some of which still run.

These days it is not always about trains but the age of steam and the industrial revolution that changed the world – not always for the better it has…

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TransPagan

loki

When I reflect upon the Divine it is impossible for me to exclude gender. In the modern goddess movement within Neo-Paganism women have reclaimed their place and the feminine aspect of divinity. For me it is time to take that a step further and reclaim the non-binary of genders within the Divine.

Gender and gender identity is diverse and not binary. The gender binary system is ultimately flawed with so many individuals being born intersex and transgender. Therefore in my mind it is also impossible to believe that the Divine has no aspects that are transgender and do not fit the gender binary.

In fact I do not have to look far to validate my awareness here. Here is Loki, a Nordic god but also he is transgender. As I write my bro Mo has shared the following link

http://getrealcambridge.com/2015/03/07/an-examination-of-gender-in-viking-age-scandinavia/

so I will not expand any further on Loki as it has been done here.

As a Pagan transman living in the Pagan LGBT community has not been a pleasant experience and I no longer really take part in either. By following my own spiritual and gender specific path I have reclaimed my own space within the Divine. For me that has been a relatively easy thing to do but I am aware for others it will be anything but easy. Is it not about time the Pagan LGBT took a look at itself and the level of discrimination going on in its midst?

 

© JG Farmer 2015

Resolutions

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New Year 2007 I made a decision to allow my true identity to come out. At that time I would not have said I was transgender but genderqueer. I knew deep down I was male but I had hoped presenting as male would be enough. It was not and is not.

My actual resolution at the time was to be true to myself and live my own life. However I was not banking on just what that would mean. Gender reassignment had not even crossed my mind. I honestly thought I could make the best of things. A continuous cycle of dressing and purging is not making the best of things. Ultimately it made my dysphoria worse but I kept to my resolution.

That resolution may have led me to a constant spiral of ups and downs until I reached the breaking point of live or die. It also made me face it and make the decision to live as the man I know I am. I chose to live and I chose to die. I know that sounds crazy but to let the man live I had to let the woman die because she was not me, she never was me but she did make me the man I am.

People ask me why I do not go in for making resolutions, well, it leads to changes we may not be able to control. I do not regret making that decision to live my own life my way but I wish I had been a lot more prepared for it.

An Examination of Gender In Viking Age Scandinavia

Interesting read

Get Real.

Loki Laufeyjarson, referred to as male in the texts but Credits: Finnguala Loki Laufeyjarson, referred to as male in the texts but had conceived children and seduced a horse by turning himself into a mare. Credits: Finnguala

Implicit in a lot of discussion about trans people (which, of course, rarely overlaps with discussion including trans people) is this idea that trans people, especially non-binary people, are some kind of peculiar modern fad. As though gender dysphoria magically appeared some time in the 20th century and we’ve all leapt on the bandwagon.

The thing is, people who can be read as trans appear in a whole heap of literature stretching back centuries. Probably millennia. My area of specialism is Viking Age Scandinavia (8th – 14th century), and even in what’s generally viewed as a hyper-masculine, rigidly binarist society, we see individuals appearing to quite gleefully flout the conventions of gender. Said conventions of gender can best be summed up by imagining your stereotypical…

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Update March 5 2015

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I saw Dr Jan at the Laurels today.

Now I am stood on a station and I feel like I am in a dream, the nightmare of living in the wrong body is coming to its conclusion. Words are failing me as I cannot say how awesome I feel just knowing it is going to be over.

Since that first bra I have detested my chest that refused me my manhood. Their days are numbered, the referral to Brighton is happening. Now I must wait! Meh I can wait now, no sweat.

Wait how long? A few months – it is nothing, no time at all. How can it be? My chest has been a thorn in my guts since my teens. Yeah it is not going to be a fond farewell.

Still cannot really believe it – WOW!

Mental Junk

Mental Junk

As we enter the third month of 2015 I can already look back and say this year has involved some monumental changes. Not all relate to transition or gender but some do. At the end of last year and the first week of this, I let life and events knock my confidence and self-esteem right down.

Turning life around from negatives to positives is not an easy task. I am lucky I have had support from my wonderful therapist. I have PTSD which has been causing me a lot of problems but with Mark’s help I have started the process of really dealing with that.

It is a tough process and I am still working through it but in its own way it is empowering as it has made me look at other aspects of life that I have ignored and let carry on. I cannot simply just go with the flow and let things that carry a negative impact continue.

As I am now clearing my conscious and sub-conscious space from the mental junk of the past it has given me a clearer insight into the here and now. It is seeing beneath the surface to the hidden depths of self and what is needed to keep the self strong and make it stronger. I no longer put myself in situations that trigger the depressions of gender dysphoria, I am actually seeing them whereas before the PTSD was blurring that.

It has meant dropping some of the activities I was involved in and letting go of a friend or two without fuss. These things and people were only able to break the barriers because my PTSD was denying me my instincts. I am claiming my self-esteem and confidence back as my own. I cannot allow myself to be dragged down by social conditioning and I will not allow my private life to be manipulated to suit someone else’s agenda.

Maybe I am not so forgiving anymore, but maybe that is not such a bad thing as it allows me to protect myself from the things that hurt me. Apparently I smile more, well that will please someone I know, at least I hope so. Certainly I am happier and can feel myself being more positive and at ease with me.

It has been awhile since I have said this so I will take the opportunity to do so – my thanks to all of you that read, follow and comment. Your support is very much valued.

 

Jez