I am transgender, a man who was born in the body of a woman. I am in transition leading to my full male potential. Part of that journey has been to research all the possible outcomes making myself aware of what can happen, what may happen and what will happen.
Quite early on in my research I read up on the relationship between testosterone therapy and sexuality. Whilst there is no scientific correlation between T therapy and sexuality there is no guarantees that say post-T my sexual feelings will be the same as they were pre-T. However there are a sizeable proportion of trans guys who do experience a change in their sexual feelings and attractions.
As a woman identifying as a lesbian I am not totally unaware of what happens in other types of relationships so part of transition is to prepare myself for what may or may not be. Human sexuality is a complex thing and in some ways just as fluid as gender can be. It can be affected by how we live and feel about ourselves. As a trans guy I am not happy in a woman’s body and that may have numbed my desire to explore my sexuality fully.
T-therapy changes body appearance such as muscular and body fat distribution, thickened vocal chords, facial and body hair and so on giving a more masculine appearance and the trans guy feels more at ease in his body and himself.
Of course whatever happens as either a gay or heterosexual man I am in a new sexual territory and there is no getting away from that. One would assume I would be hetero as I identified as a lesbian – unfortunately it is not that predictable. My sexual roots being LGB do not make either very easy to accept. Whether that is because there is a level of prejudice within the LGBT community towards the trans person I cannot say.
The key for me is my inner belief in love knowing no barriers whether it is gender or something else. That alone makes whatever may be what it should be – gay or straight it matters not!
My thanks to all that message me, your support is awesome and means the world to me
Love and light
The last few weeks have been somewhat testing emotionally. The intense feelings of displacement are coming fast and hard. Last week I was asked how I deal with it so that is what I will write about here.
Dysphoria is a way of life for me and has been for years to varying degrees. In the past I would bury it or let the depression run riot, mainly because I had no idea how to deal with it. The doctor would hand me a prescription for antidepressants which made me more depressed as deep down I knew they were not an answer, not even close to an answer. Endless counselling sessions focussed on life events which really had no relevance didn’t help either but gave me a way to distract from the real issue of being transgender. I would even convince myself the problem was in fact the issue being discussed. In reality it was another burying technique allowing me to distance myself from the abnormity of being me as I saw it then.
Now of course, I know without a doubt I am transgender – the labels of genderqueer, neutrality, and butch dyke are no longer straws I can clutch onto and hope they are enough to pacify the man within. The way I think, feel, act and present is male; it feels good, it really does. Then I remember the bulge in my jeans is a prosthetic and the constant ache in my chest area is a binder squishing the unwanted breasts.
It is what it is and the only way to deal with it is to take a deep breath and focus on it being a temporary thing. I made the big step and I am on the journey, but it is a painfully slow one. Very much like a roller coaster the going up to the peaks of something happening takes an age then when it does happen it is a whizz down to the next trough and climb. That is the NHS and there is little I can do to change it.
However, knowing it will happen in time helps deal with the dysphoria so I can get on with living. It would be easy to put life on hold and wait for the NHS to get on with it but then I am wasting six years or more of my life and I am not going to do that.
The fact is life was testing at times before and it will be after, so the times it is testing now are no different. I really believe it is these things that ultimately make us stronger. The going may get tough but that just means I need to toughen up a bit.
Again I wish to thank all of you who have messaged me with support, I really do appreciate it.
Love and light