That Question!

From The Guardian

 

It seems a lot of people want to know how FtM make out in the bedroom. It is wonderful to have such privacy even your sex life comes under scrutiny and really what goes on is between the Transguy and whoever he is making out with. How would a cisgendered person feel if they were asked within minutes of meeting someone how they do it? Folks, just don’t ask ok it really is not a good idea.

However my editor asked me to cover the subject of the FtM and Sex and writing that article has left me thinking. From the questions I was asked to answer one thing is standing out as vital. It is something that is vital in any relationship too. It is the act of communication. Talking about the issues we face with those we are close to is vital and more so when it comes to sex. Intimate conversation has to be tackled carefully as even using female terms can trigger dysphoria.

By choice I have refrained from intimacy since my transition began. In the beginning I was very aware of what I see as my short-comings and how they can cause upset with a partner. I was also very aware how transition could send my sexuality and awareness of it into disarray. It didn’t mean my sex drive died, I still got horny with nothing I could do about it. Even a hand-job doesn’t work when you reach down to grab your dick and there’s nothing there. I don’t regret that choice. I needed the time out to sort me out and adjust to living as me.

There are other options available and it isn’t rocket science to work them out so I am not going to go into detail. I’ve always been the top or giver in a relationship for a reason beyond the kink of doing that there is the ability to keep to a minimum the bits I don’t want touched from being touched. Keeping my chest covered in a t shirt or binder made it more comfortable to relax. How a binder can make anything more comfortable is bizarre but it does. In essence I got my kicks in other ways.

The answer to that question then ‘how do we do it?’ – just like anyone else to the mutual satisfaction of all involved. I said I was not going to do details and I am not if someone is that bothered may I suggest they take a trip to a sex shop and look around – some of the answers are there.

 

Love and light

Jez

Raw and Unedited

mind-power

 

As I type I am 24 hours away from being post another session of my soul being ripped out. It is all part of the process of becoming me I know that and I’ll fight through it. Even knowing the agenda does not help in fact it makes it worse. Already that judgemental war-child that is my own inner self is seeing things and the guilt factor is soaring. The self-hatred is spiking and I feel sickly stressed. For the next 48 hours or so I feel like a murderer. This is when I struggle to focus on the future and see a light at the end of the tunnel. I am a 48 year old man and I can say that now, as my gender marker used in officialdom has been adjusted to recognise my identity. Yet still I feel guilt for taking away the woman. I am a man and I still feel the agony of being in the wrong body even though I know that is going to change. This inner fight no one should ever have to deal with was once a constant in my life and now is diminished to the sessions of psychiatry so in a sense it is getting better, much better. Most of the time I have no such issues anymore – I can see and feel myself changing into the man I am supposed to be. That alone brings a guilt trip for pushing it back for so long and letting myself feel inadequate, wrong and a lost cause. I am none of those things. This is not meant to be an update or an informative post by any stretch of thought. It is just me writing out how I feel right now and letting you, dear reader, see it raw and unedited. This is when my writing becomes what I call letters to self as it makes me address my emotions and thoughts and rein them into some sort of logical place I can deal with them.

 

Love and light

Jez

I am Human

lgbt-rights

 

Anyone who knows me will know I am a huge supporter of the NHS, without it most people in the UK would be screwed. However, this will not stop me kicking up a veritable stink if they get it wrong – and this time they have got it wrong, very wrong.

As a citizen of the UK I have the legal right to change my name and title. As it happens I obviously want to change my name to a male one and I have done. I have also changed my title to that of Mr. and that is my legal right to do so. No organisation has the right to refuse me that not even the NHS.

I informed my doctor, and to be fair she totally and absolutely supports me, my gripe is not with her in anyway. My issue is with the practice pen-pushers who call themselves management. At best I call them uneducated in matters of law, more likely discriminating bastards. They refuse point blank to change my records without a gender recognition certificate – which they are not allowed by law to ask for. By law they have to change my name on the records and accept I am now Mr. Simple as that – it is not rocket science. They still refused.

I have now obtained, in addition to a deed poll which is a legal document, a statutory declaration that my name change is permanent. This was done at my own expense as it matters a great deal to me. Okay that is not a huge amount of money but nonetheless it is inconvenient. This document has been presented to the practice. They still refused to amend their records.

So here is the legalities under the Equality and Human Rights Act.

 

Specific processes for certain agencies

 

Some organisations have specific procedures for processing name changes relating to gender transition. These procedures have often been in place for 30-40 years and are not negatively affected in any way by the Gender Recognition Act.

The Department of Work and Pensions (DWP) will alter your name on their records and will issue a new plastic National Insurance Number Card with that name on it. They don’t alter anyone’s National Insurance number under any circumstances. There is no gender indication within the number and therefore no point to do so. A change of name on its’ own does not alter the rest of your national insurance / tax computer records, as you will remain a member of your birth gender until such time as you successfully apply for legal recognition. The Gender Recognition process issues instructions to the DWP and Inland Revenue to make appropriate changes at that time.

The Driver and Vehicle Licensing Agency (DVLA) will change their records of your name and issue you with an updated driving license on written request. In this case the procedure, which has been used successfully for many years, includes the issue of an amended driver number. Your driver number includes a gender marker. This is updated to show your new social gender so that anyone inspecting your driving license will see a code that concurs with your name and the way you present.

The process with passports has changed slightly over recent years because of a greater need to prevent fraud. However, the policy of the Passport Agency has always been to facilitate issue of a replacement passport when the applicant has changed their name and social gender role, backed by a letter from a medical professional to confirm that the change is for gender reassignment and intended to be permanent. As the process for any change of photo and details involves an interview it is best to enquire with your local passport office about what you should do and the evidence you need to supply.

Processes like these were in place before the Gender Recognition Act and remain unaltered by the introduction of the formal legal recognition process.

Other organisations such as employers, educational establishments, registration bodies, your local NHS GP, hospitals, utility companies, and service suppliers such as banks should likewise be prepared to change your details on request. Some may request evidence in the form of a statutory declaration of your name change, but that is all.

 

Gender Recognition Certificates

Some organisations may mistakenly believe that they are not supposed to change their records to show your new name and appropriate title (Mr, Miss, etc..) until you have obtained a Gender Recognition Certificate. This is incorrect and in most cases would constitute discrimination.

Furthermore, nobody is entitled to see or record the details of a Gender Recognition Certificate if you have one. If someone requires proof of your legal gender then you could show them your birth certificate.

The Gender Recognition Certificate (GRC) exists only for the Gender Recognition Panel to instruct the Registrar of Births to make a new entry in their register, from which a birth certificate can be drawn. The document states clearly that it has no other purpose. Recording sight of a GRC would automatically lead to a breach of Section 22 of the Gender Recognition Act, since sight of the record by any other person would constitute an unlawful disclosure of protected information. Officials should therefore be gently advised against making up rules involving GRCs.

 

There you have it in black and white. I am now sending a copy of this act with yet another copy of my documentation to the practice management and also a letter from my lawyer informing them they are breaching my rights, and unless they change my records at once there will be legal proceedings taken against the individuals causing the issue. As I said I have no gripe with my doctor nor should I she is just as unimpressed with this as I am.

No one should be made to feel less for being who they are. Here in the UK we are protected by law from discrimination like this and I will not hesitate to use it. I face enough prejudice every day from walking down the street and I deal with that. I will not put up with it when I do not have to.

Thank you so much for being there to all who read, follow and/or comment. Your support is very precious to me and I love you all dearly

Love and light

Jez