Resolutions

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New Year 2007 I made a decision to allow my true identity to come out. At that time I would not have said I was transgender but genderqueer. I knew deep down I was male but I had hoped presenting as male would be enough. It was not and is not.

My actual resolution at the time was to be true to myself and live my own life. However I was not banking on just what that would mean. Gender reassignment had not even crossed my mind. I honestly thought I could make the best of things. A continuous cycle of dressing and purging is not making the best of things. Ultimately it made my dysphoria worse but I kept to my resolution.

That resolution may have led me to a constant spiral of ups and downs until I reached the breaking point of live or die. It also made me face it and make the decision to live as the man I know I am. I chose to live and I chose to die. I know that sounds crazy but to let the man live I had to let the woman die because she was not me, she never was me but she did make me the man I am.

People ask me why I do not go in for making resolutions, well, it leads to changes we may not be able to control. I do not regret making that decision to live my own life my way but I wish I had been a lot more prepared for it.

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6 thoughts on “Resolutions

  1. I think making deep (you could call it “spiritual”) intention is almost like handing the reins over to a part of you that is beyond your conscious self. The reason it can take us places is because it can take us where we wouldn’t reasonably give permission to go. We stay stuck for a reason, because we’re doing “being stuck”. Then we give deep permission for that to change, but it can be like the football that says “yes, I want to be on the other side of the field”. “Ok”, says our nicely booted deeper self 😉

    I know I would never have gone through my deepest breakthroughs if I’d had informed choice about the methods involved lol

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