As we enter the third month of 2015 I can already look back and say this year has involved some monumental changes. Not all relate to transition or gender but some do. At the end of last year and the first week of this, I let life and events knock my confidence and self-esteem right down.
Turning life around from negatives to positives is not an easy task. I am lucky I have had support from my wonderful therapist. I have PTSD which has been causing me a lot of problems but with Mark’s help I have started the process of really dealing with that.
It is a tough process and I am still working through it but in its own way it is empowering as it has made me look at other aspects of life that I have ignored and let carry on. I cannot simply just go with the flow and let things that carry a negative impact continue.
As I am now clearing my conscious and sub-conscious space from the mental junk of the past it has given me a clearer insight into the here and now. It is seeing beneath the surface to the hidden depths of self and what is needed to keep the self strong and make it stronger. I no longer put myself in situations that trigger the depressions of gender dysphoria, I am actually seeing them whereas before the PTSD was blurring that.
It has meant dropping some of the activities I was involved in and letting go of a friend or two without fuss. These things and people were only able to break the barriers because my PTSD was denying me my instincts. I am claiming my self-esteem and confidence back as my own. I cannot allow myself to be dragged down by social conditioning and I will not allow my private life to be manipulated to suit someone else’s agenda.
Maybe I am not so forgiving anymore, but maybe that is not such a bad thing as it allows me to protect myself from the things that hurt me. Apparently I smile more, well that will please someone I know, at least I hope so. Certainly I am happier and can feel myself being more positive and at ease with me.
It has been awhile since I have said this so I will take the opportunity to do so – my thanks to all of you that read, follow and comment. Your support is very much valued.