I came out of the GIC knowing within a few weeks I would be using testosterone. I have waited years for this; to say I was elated is a mild understatement. I didn’t notice the pouring rain or the chaos of Christmas shoppers in the city centre. All I could sense was relief, a real closure on the past confusion of identity and not belonging I have known all my life,
A little over a week later the letter arrived to inform me the prescription was with my doctor and the next day I sat and stared at the tubes of gel. I was alone and able to think without influence. That is how I wanted that moment to be. I needed to know it was ultimately my decision made without interference from doctors, psychologists, family or friends whose support I am so deeply grateful for. I never doubted what decision I would make but yes, I did need it to be mine and mine alone.
So here was the moment I had longed for too long. No grandiose fanfare – just me in my room with Slash rocking his stuff on the radio. Outside a grey dismal December morning was hardly enchanting or mystical. Within five minutes the first major milestone in gender transition was done and the gel was drying on the skin of my thighs.
Now it is another waiting game as my body does what it needs to do with the hormones although it already is doing some of it anyway. The goatee is set in place and since I did the Movember thing I have the beginnings of a moustache. My voice is annoyingly androgynous as it has been for years but I rarely get misgendered even on the phone.
At this point the only changes I can report are a deep sense of peace and a new morning routine that allows for the application of gel every day and half an hour in sat on my bed while it dries reading a book, well I have said for a while I need to read more. The biggest thing is the very real finality of the female identity I struggled to maintain in the past.
I don’t hate who I was but I do despise the society and dogma that forced the real me into hiding and a life of fear. No human being should feel they have to live in fear; no human being should feel they have no way out. Granted the world is changing and becoming a more accepting one but we are not there yet. I didn’t think I would be around to see the changes that are now happening so anything is possible.