I Don’t Think I am Man Enough

I Don't Think I Am Man Enoug

 

This is the first in a short series of writes on some of the emotional and/or psychological issues that can face a transgender person. As this is a personal blog I can only write from my own experiences so have left stuff I have not had to deal with until a later date if ever.

Finding a Partner.

Why this is the first issue I do not know but it is so I will go with it. There is someone out there who has heard me say the words I have chosen for the title of this piece, not once but several times. Their answer is I am more than man enough so I cannot and do not argue with that.

If I look back over life before transition I have had a few relationships and all but one of them would not have worked out as I was not connecting fully with the people involved as a significant part of me was deeply buried within my psyche. I regret the fact I have hurt people because I could not be myself, but equally they would not have been part of my life if I had been. I am in no doubt those I did get involved with took what they wanted from me so I do not feel guilt or shame about it anymore. The end of love hurts and we move on.

So what good does looking back actually do? It tells me what I do not want in a partner. In the past I subconsciously or consciously sought out people who did not push too deep into me or try to invade my space. I did not look for someone who wanted me as I did not want me. Love with that sense of self-perspective is somewhat lacking at best. To know love, to give it and receive it one must first love self and I did not love myself, quite the opposite. I am not saying I did not love the people I was with in the past, I did in my own way, the only way I could but it was not enough because I was not man enough to accept myself and value myself.

Now I accept myself for whom and what I am. The fear of rejection is always a problem not just for transgender, but being transgender makes that fear all the more acute. The person I mentioned earlier knows and has known from the beginning of my Trans status and just where I am at in my transitional journey. I am accepted for whom I am and although I still doubt myself at times I know I am man enough.

 

Love and light

Jez

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7 thoughts on “I Don’t Think I am Man Enough

  1. Great post! I just posted a quote by Maya Angelou – “You Alone are Enough. You have nothing to prove to anybody.” I have to tell myself this all of the time too. Thanks for sharing your experience and feelings.

  2. Brilliant peace of writing Jeremy and I can in some way understand. For people who know me well I went through similar thought process about love. Due to all my maxi facial operations and how I used to look and feel. Loving yourself is paramount and comfort in your own skin.
    I learned self very quickly but took time to accept it as the way.
    I have spoken at length to a few people about this in the past from different aspects. I have a new found understanding of many situations and a good friend that is on the opposite journey from you. They unfortunately know have to learn to love the sex they were as there situation was so marred with troubles and hatred they now despise them to a point.
    But the good thing is they have found love with a same sex partner and are happy with that as a basis .
    Proud to be friends and there for you both and here any time for chats ect.
    You will be great and man enough

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