Raw and Unedited

mind-power

 

As I type I am 24 hours away from being post another session of my soul being ripped out. It is all part of the process of becoming me I know that and I’ll fight through it. Even knowing the agenda does not help in fact it makes it worse. Already that judgemental war-child that is my own inner self is seeing things and the guilt factor is soaring. The self-hatred is spiking and I feel sickly stressed. For the next 48 hours or so I feel like a murderer. This is when I struggle to focus on the future and see a light at the end of the tunnel. I am a 48 year old man and I can say that now, as my gender marker used in officialdom has been adjusted to recognise my identity. Yet still I feel guilt for taking away the woman. I am a man and I still feel the agony of being in the wrong body even though I know that is going to change. This inner fight no one should ever have to deal with was once a constant in my life and now is diminished to the sessions of psychiatry so in a sense it is getting better, much better. Most of the time I have no such issues anymore – I can see and feel myself changing into the man I am supposed to be. That alone brings a guilt trip for pushing it back for so long and letting myself feel inadequate, wrong and a lost cause. I am none of those things. This is not meant to be an update or an informative post by any stretch of thought. It is just me writing out how I feel right now and letting you, dear reader, see it raw and unedited. This is when my writing becomes what I call letters to self as it makes me address my emotions and thoughts and rein them into some sort of logical place I can deal with them.

 

Love and light

Jez

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8 thoughts on “Raw and Unedited

  1. Jez I can understand the types of feelings you are having. It was once said that through all the operations I had the person I was would change too. It was even put to me that I had killed my inner self, not true in any way I know but it does make an 8-14 year old think. I used to write in a journal in the days before internet and wordpress ect.
    You have the right to be who you feel you are,nobody can deny you that whether its changing genders or major facial or surgical reconstructions the path and symptoms are similar.
    Proud to have you as a friend and to walk this journey with you 😉

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