As I type I am 24 hours away from being post another session of my soul being ripped out. It is all part of the process of becoming me I know that and I’ll fight through it. Even knowing the agenda does not help in fact it makes it worse. Already that judgemental war-child that is my own inner self is seeing things and the guilt factor is soaring. The self-hatred is spiking and I feel sickly stressed. For the next 48 hours or so I feel like a murderer. This is when I struggle to focus on the future and see a light at the end of the tunnel. I am a 48 year old man and I can say that now, as my gender marker used in officialdom has been adjusted to recognise my identity. Yet still I feel guilt for taking away the woman. I am a man and I still feel the agony of being in the wrong body even though I know that is going to change. This inner fight no one should ever have to deal with was once a constant in my life and now is diminished to the sessions of psychiatry so in a sense it is getting better, much better. Most of the time I have no such issues anymore – I can see and feel myself changing into the man I am supposed to be. That alone brings a guilt trip for pushing it back for so long and letting myself feel inadequate, wrong and a lost cause. I am none of those things. This is not meant to be an update or an informative post by any stretch of thought. It is just me writing out how I feel right now and letting you, dear reader, see it raw and unedited. This is when my writing becomes what I call letters to self as it makes me address my emotions and thoughts and rein them into some sort of logical place I can deal with them.
Love and light