Some relationships go beyond the barriers of friends to a level of connection that is brother or sisterhood. This is all very new to me as by living behind my own mask I rarely let anyone else in too close. I did not like too much intimacy even in the love relationship so with friends it was just not possible. Subconsciously I was blocking people out. I never questioned why I connected with men better than women as friends, now of course that all makes sense.
The very idea of hugging a buddy would have been unacceptable to me just a few years ago. Such closeness would have horrified me. In fact even eye contact would have been too much sometimes. I have noticed I don’t have such a fascination with the floor anymore. Maybe that is a reflection of allowing myself to live as who I am, certainly it is connected. I can explore my thoughts and feelings a lot easier so I do not find close situations so intimidating.
To be honest I did not fully notice these changes but a couple of old friends did. One friend in particular had been worried I was becoming reclusive to avoid interacting with other people. I suppose that is part of it as I knew I had to get my head sorted out. I also had issues with going places and I still do. It really is a case of kicking my own butt and making myself do it.
I know there are people who care and would help me do it but that really defeats the object as I need to do it for myself. However it is good knowing they are there to give me moral support when I need it. Allowing others to do that when I have always been the one to give the moral support has been tough in itself.
Transition is so much more than just changing gender, it is making me face some of the real issues I had and deal with them. Reality check some of that I cannot do on my own as much as I want to.