Tomorrow is my first appointment at the Laurels. My head is going batshit crazy. I have stopped listening to what other people say as it is all conflicting information. I have too much information firing up at me. Some say the Laurels is wonderful some say it is a nightmare from hell. I don’t have a clue which to believe anymore. The only way I can do this now is to have back-up options in place, So I spoke to a private transgender specialist yesterday and now have that as a fall back option if things don’t work out in Exeter.
Honestly I don’t know whether to expect a disparaging attitude against FtM or a person who is supportive so I figure the best option is to expect the worst and be damned. Can I accept that? Yes, I have been living as Jez for years and that is not going to change because of a medic’s disapproval and if needs be I can continue as I have been. To me the physical changes I would like are purely for my own vanity and no different to having a nose job or a face-lift. I would rather not have to bind for the rest of my life but if I have to, I have to and I will not cry over it.
You might wonder what I have to gain then. Not a lot it would seem as just chasing the dream has allowed me to leave the past self behind and inform the people who did not know and they accept me as a guy. To a point that is mission accomplished.
Now this may sound all rather negative and in some ways it is. However, it is better to think worst case scenario than build up my hopes and see them get shattered as I could not mentally or emotionally cope with that. I am still getting to know the guy that is Jez and whilst he is me, of that I have no doubt at all; I really don’t know who he is and I deserve to give myself that time and keep my focus on that. I have done the legwork of adjusting my life without professional support. Nobody was there when I emotionally crashed out because I couldn’t cope 6 years ago and the doctor told me to deal with it as nothing could be done. I took him at his word and dealt with it just like I have with everything else I have had to deal with in life. Why in all that is sacred would I expect anything different now – I don’t and it is as simple as that!
Oh well see what happens tomorrow.
Love and light