Dysphoric Tears

Dysphoric Tears

The last few weeks have been somewhat testing emotionally. The intense feelings of displacement are coming fast and hard. Last week I was asked how I deal with it so that is what I will write about here.

Dysphoria is a way of life for me and has been for years to varying degrees. In the past I would bury it or let the depression run riot, mainly because I had no idea how to deal with it. The doctor would hand me a prescription for antidepressants which made me more depressed as deep down I knew they were not an answer, not even close to an answer. Endless counselling sessions focussed on life events which really had no relevance didn’t help either but gave me a way to distract from the real issue of being transgender. I would even convince myself the problem was in fact the issue being discussed. In reality it was another burying technique allowing me to distance myself from the abnormity of being me as I saw it then.

Now of course, I know without a doubt I am transgender – the labels of genderqueer, neutrality, and butch dyke are no longer straws I can clutch onto and hope they are enough to pacify the man within. The way I think, feel, act and present is male; it feels good, it really does. Then I remember the bulge in my jeans is a prosthetic and the constant ache in my chest area is a binder squishing the unwanted breasts.

It is what it is and the only way to deal with it is to take a deep breath and focus on it being a temporary thing. I made the big step and I am on the journey, but it is a painfully slow one. Very much like a roller coaster the going up to the peaks of something happening takes an age then when it does happen it is a whizz down to the next trough and climb. That is the NHS and there is little I can do to change it.

However, knowing it will happen in time helps deal with the dysphoria so I can get on with living. It would be easy to put life on hold and wait for the NHS to get on with it but then I am wasting six years or more of my life and I am not going to do that.

The fact is life was testing at times before and it will be after, so the times it is testing now are no different. I really believe it is these things that ultimately make us stronger. The going may get tough but that just means I need to toughen up a bit.

Again I wish to thank all of you who have messaged me with support, I really do appreciate it.

Love and light

Jeremy

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17 thoughts on “Dysphoric Tears

  1. Jeremy — You honor me for having stopped by. Permit me to return the tip of the hat. It’s all about journey. Don’t know what your adventures will be, but for now, glad to be here for part of the trip. Travel well. Dan

  2. My dear friend … I would say expect that and more. The journey isn’t easy. Friends along the way may help …. you have one here!! From the heart …..

  3. We can only hope that on some level our extended friendship and support truly does make a difference Jeremy. We cannot begin to pretend knowing fully all that you face from day to day yet we all want and desire/long for certain things in our lives, deeply, resolutely, unwaveringly. We all have our own journey, destiny…and a relatively brief time on this earth to see it through. Trying to be what we perceive others want us to be will never be an answer.

    • Rest assured Don, it does make a difference, a huge difference.

      Living for others or how we think others want us to be is self-destructive and can be a dangerous game – one I will never play again

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