One Week to Go

one week to go

 

A week has passed since the letter hit the doormat and now there is only one week until the first appointment. In some ways it seems so far away – a whole seven days. In the same way that Christmas seems distant to a child on Christmas Eve I suppose. And yes that is a good analogy as I do have that childlike, innocent sense of wonder about what is going to happen and like a child no doubt the actual event will be disappointing after all the anticipation. I am prepared for that.

However I was not and am not prepared for the more negative emotions of fear, abject fear. I am even having crazy nightmares that I cannot explain. The best descriptive I can come up with is horrific and bizarre images flashing in to what starts of as a normal everyday dream and ends up in blood and guts with me falling apart. It is the nightmare the professionals refuse to hear me and tell me I am wrong – and I know that is my big fear and it has no basis apart from lack of logic when sleeping.  I do not suppose that will be much of a problem this week as I know my psyche is edgy so sleep will not be easy.

With all this self-doubt kicking in and I know it is just pre-appointment nerves when all is said and done, I tested myself this weekend and went out fully presenting. I normally wear a binder but have not gone out wearing packing for a long while. And really no one notices you are wearing one but I knew. Previous experience with this has been one of feeling incredibly self-conscious and uncomfortable but not this time. This time I felt it there and it gave me a real sense of confidence in myself as a guy. That alone gives the use of packing a real purpose and a justifiable one. I do not have someone holding my hand saying all will be okay so I need to lift my own confidence levels in whatever way I can.

I need to be single right now because this stage of transition is very selfish in that the decisions I make now only affect me. They are decisions that will be hard enough without the added worry of how they could affect a partner. I cannot be pressured into feeling I must or must not do something because of someone else’s feelings. I am committed to staying single and that for the time being is as good as any marriage vow. I owe myself the same loyalty and freedom to be as I give those I love – yeah about time I worked that out really.

There is a week to go and I will update after the appointment – who knows things might make more sense – well at least a little bit. Thank you for reading, and as always your thoughts, comments and questions are welcome either in the comments section or via the contact me button.

Love and light

Jeremy

 

 

© J Farmer 2013

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3 thoughts on “One Week to Go

  1. This is your time, Jeremy. An exciting, terrifying time to come into your own self. Awesome that you are lifting your confidence levels. Sending positive thoughts your way, hoping that these next days will be calm. Hugs

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