A week has passed since the letter hit the doormat and now there is only one week until the first appointment. In some ways it seems so far away – a whole seven days. In the same way that Christmas seems distant to a child on Christmas Eve I suppose. And yes that is a good analogy as I do have that childlike, innocent sense of wonder about what is going to happen and like a child no doubt the actual event will be disappointing after all the anticipation. I am prepared for that.
However I was not and am not prepared for the more negative emotions of fear, abject fear. I am even having crazy nightmares that I cannot explain. The best descriptive I can come up with is horrific and bizarre images flashing in to what starts of as a normal everyday dream and ends up in blood and guts with me falling apart. It is the nightmare the professionals refuse to hear me and tell me I am wrong – and I know that is my big fear and it has no basis apart from lack of logic when sleeping. I do not suppose that will be much of a problem this week as I know my psyche is edgy so sleep will not be easy.
With all this self-doubt kicking in and I know it is just pre-appointment nerves when all is said and done, I tested myself this weekend and went out fully presenting. I normally wear a binder but have not gone out wearing packing for a long while. And really no one notices you are wearing one but I knew. Previous experience with this has been one of feeling incredibly self-conscious and uncomfortable but not this time. This time I felt it there and it gave me a real sense of confidence in myself as a guy. That alone gives the use of packing a real purpose and a justifiable one. I do not have someone holding my hand saying all will be okay so I need to lift my own confidence levels in whatever way I can.
I need to be single right now because this stage of transition is very selfish in that the decisions I make now only affect me. They are decisions that will be hard enough without the added worry of how they could affect a partner. I cannot be pressured into feeling I must or must not do something because of someone else’s feelings. I am committed to staying single and that for the time being is as good as any marriage vow. I owe myself the same loyalty and freedom to be as I give those I love – yeah about time I worked that out really.
There is a week to go and I will update after the appointment – who knows things might make more sense – well at least a little bit. Thank you for reading, and as always your thoughts, comments and questions are welcome either in the comments section or via the contact me button.
Love and light
© J Farmer 2013