Personal Scrutiny

personal scrutiny

 

I thought accepting my gender identity was a tough nut. It was, but not as tough as the scrutiny I feel I am under now. Everything I do, say and think is being microscopically analysed. Not by other people, but by myself. I keep checking myself – is what I am wearing male enough, is the book I am reading too feminine, is the level of my voice deep enough or is the way I walk too much of a girly wiggle rather than a manly strut?

I was expecting it from others and, as I am my own worst critic, a bit from myself – but not to this extent. It is not that I doubt what I am doing is right; I know this transition is right for me and I got to get on and face it. I have known my gender identity since I was a little kid and have buried it since then too. I know the major part of transition is self-acceptance and although I have been aware of it since I was a child I am only just coming to terms with my identity. I have got to be patient with myself.

Transsexuality or gender dysphoria is a lonely place. Yes there are support groups, yes I have Roxi backing me up and yes I have wonderful supportive friends – and I really do appreciate all of them. However, they cannot make the decisions for me. Transition is self-realization and finding my own identity rather than the one I built to hide myself. Denying self has been the easier option and frankly still is but it is not the healthy one.

I suppose I am habitually applying that same inner critique that buried my male awareness to present as female to my identity now but in reverse. I look at the list of what may be to come and it looks terrifying but to go back is even more so and I do not want to go back so it is not an option anyway. Transition is very much cross each bridge as it is needed to be crossed and I know that is the only way that I can do it.

 

© J Farmer 2013

 

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2 thoughts on “Personal Scrutiny

  1. hey Jeremy, reading your comments about walking with a strut etc it brought something back to me (as a cisman), because you know I didn’t get a real deep connection with my gender till I was about 40.

    I remember this young transguy on TV saying that he had to learn to walk “from his cock”, not “from his hips” as he had done before.

    I just wanted to say, what I realized was it’s not about walking from a cock that you do or don’t have, it’s much more walking from the belly, from the hara centre, from that centre of gravity you have if you don’t hold your stomach in, just let yourself have a belly, and let your back curve the way it wants to, let your shoulders relax, and you just relax and have good contact with the ground. For me, that was how I naturally walked as a man. It might be different for you, but it doesn’t have to be about strutting or cocks.

    The other thing I realized (and I think I read this), was that women tend to breath from the chest, and men breath from the belly. I realized that out of ambivalence about my gender I had spent most of my life till then holding my stomach in and breathing from the chest (not to mention half starving myself at times). I let go of that, and it felt really good.

    love ya bro

    • Bro, I am glad you found your connection just as I am finding mine it is so amazing, daunting and terrifying too sometimes, but so amazing. I think for me I am just incredibly self conscious of these little things right now and I do try to stop it but yeah still catching myself out. It really is learning to tear up the rule book and be self.

      I also feel it isn’t about what dangles between the legs or mores the point on a personal level does not at this time – who knows what might happen there. Gender is so much more than that.

      The pressure to be a certain way, figure, weight etc is wrong on both genders. How many countless souls spend their lives feeling less worthy because they are not size zero or got the perfect set of abs. Yeah I work out on my upper body but that is to gain muscle and hopefully reduce the level of testosterone I have to take – I am a diabetic so I have to try and improve the risks in my favour. The diet supps are really helping there.

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